BREAKING NEWS: Rev. Brits Colony Alarmed by Applause, Dancing, Vestments, and “Cultural Confusion” at Installation of Archbishop Sarah

Jamaica / Canterbury —Rev. Brits Colony, Priest-in-Charge of St. Anglo Church, Jamaica, is reported to be in a state of prolonged liturgical distress following the recent installation of Archbishop Sarah in England, after witnessing what he described as “a troubling collapse of proper Anglican order at the historical centre of the Communion.”

According to observers, the first obvious moment of concern came immediately after the formal declaration that Sarah was duly installed as Archbishop, when the congregation broke into applause.

Rev. Colony is said to have stiffened visibly, adjusted his cassock, and whispered:

“We are clapping… in Canterbury… during Lent. This is not what Cranmer suffered for!”

He later explained that the problem was not merely the sound, but what the sound suggested.

“Clapping gives the impression that something has been performed for our enjoyment,” he said.“Worship is not entertainment. When people applaud in church, one begins to wonder whether they think they are at a concert rather than in the House of the Lord.”

Gospel Acclamation Involving Movement

Matters reportedly escalated during the Gospel acclamation, when an invited African choir, in African garb, rendered the acclamation with energetic singing accompanied by rhythmic movement.

Witnesses say the Reverend’s expression shifted from concern to deep theological confusion.

“There was swaying,” he later explained.“Not metaphorical swaying. Actual swaying. During the Gospel acclamation. At one point I am almost certain I saw even white congregants stepping in time with the music!”

He clarified that he had nothing against African choirs in principle, but insisted that

“The proper Anglican choir stands in formation, sings in harmony, in proper robes, and gives no indication that the body is capable of independent motion.”

Multilingual Prayers Cause Further Unease

Further distress was reported when several readings and prayers were offered in languages other than English. Rev. Colony, while affirming the global nature of the Church, noted that the number of languages heard during the liturgy was unsettling.

“One fully supports the worldwide Communion,” he said, “but one cannot help feeling that the Almighty and the heavenly hosts have grown especially accustomed to the sound of prayers and Scripture in dignified English.”

He added that the Book of Common Prayer had managed quite well for centuries without the need for

“liturgical subtitles.”

Vestments Raise Serious Questions

However, sources confirm that the greatest moment of alarm came when Rev. Colony observed the variety of vestments worn by clergy present for the installation. Particular attention was drawn to the appearance of the Bishop of Jamaican heritage, who wore vestments incorporating bandana fabric.

Witnesses report that Rev. Colony leaned forward sharply and said, in a tone of grave concern:

“Are we doing this in Canterbury? Bandana? This is not 'mada' yard. This is an Anglican church! Also, given the linguistic license at the service, I can just imagine Bandana Bishop belting out in Patwa, 'Bap! Bap! Bap! Gwaan de, mi gyal!' in what's meant to be a solemn, historic service.”

He later elaborated:

“We are Anglicans. We speak properly, we dress properly, and we maintain posture at all times. Vestments are not for personal or cultural expression. Vestments are for reassuring the congregation that nothing unexpected will happen.”

Concern About “Too Much Culture and Not Enough Anglican”

Rev. Colony reportedly became increasingly troubled by what he described as an overemphasis on cultural expression.

“Everywhere now we hear about culture, culture, culture,” he said.“ But Anglicanism itself has but one culture — order, restraint, balance, good English, silence and knowing when to sit down quietly.”

He continued:

“If everything becomes culture, then what is Anglican anymore? We risk losing our identity entirely. At this rate we will need a glossary just to follow our services.”

Special Concern Given the Season of Lent

Rev. Colony returned several times to what he described as the most serious issue of all — the general atmosphere of celebration during Lent.

“Lent is for reflection, repentance, and controlled breathing,” he said.“ If we begin clapping in Lent, and dancing at the Gospel,and wearing bandana in Canterbury, one must ask what exactly we are saving for Easter. The only thing I didn't hear was 'hallelujah'.”

Call for a “New Reformed Anglicanism”

In remarks described by insiders as “only partly in jest,” Rev. Colony warned that the Anglican Communion may be drifting from its historic discipline.

“When the English themselves allow applause at an installation, movement in the sanctuary, and vestments with personality and culture, then Anglicanism has clearly entered a new, uncertain, and dangerous phase.”

He then reportedly suggested that a reset movement might be needed.

“Perhaps what we need now is a new reformation. A return to proper, historic Anglican order. A movement to Make Anglicanism Great Again.”

Witnesses say he paused, then added:

“Yes — a MAGA church! Make Anglicanism Great Again!”

After a moment of reflection, he reportedly sighed and concluded:

“Because as far as this one is concerned, what I witnessed in Canterbury looked less like a MAGA church and more like what the bandana Bishop and her Jamaican people would call a 'maaga' church.”

No Official Statement Issued

When contacted for comment, Rev. Colony declined to confirm the reports, but was heard to say quietly:

“If Thomas Cranmer had seen clapping in Canterbury Cathedral, he would have added another rubric. Once applause enters Canterbury…confusion is introduced into the Communion, and nowhere in it safe. I fear for my own Diocese and Province!”